LYNN PONTON, M.D.
“What Does
Gay Mean?”
How to Talk with Kids about
Sexual Orientation and Prejudice
LYNN PONTON, M.D.
“What Does
Gay Mean?”
How to Talk with Kids about
Sexual Orientation and Prejudice
Visit www.nmha.org/whatdoesgaymean or call the NMHA
Resource Center at 1-800-969-NMHA (6642) for more
information or to request copies of this brochure.
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2
Why Should I Read This Brochure? . . . . . . . . . . . .4
Tips for Your Discussion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6
How to Talk with…
Preschool-Age Children (3 to 5 years) . . . . . . . . . .7
School-Age Children (6 to 12 years) . . . . . . . . . . .8
Teenagers (13 to 18 years) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10
Questions and Answers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12
Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14
contents
Dear Parents,
Kids are incredibly
smart and they figure
things out. They know
if you’re lying or
keeping something
from them. And the
schoolyard is filled with
all kinds of information
— I’d rather talk to
them myself. So I’ve
always believed in
being open, and it’s the
same when I talk about
gay and lesbian people
with them.
— Marta Miller,
mother of three,
Wyckoff, NJ
As the mother of two teenage daughters, I’ve realized
something obvious to most parents: talking about
sexuality with kids is not easy.
I found it awkward and uncomfortable at first, even
frightening at times. But I also knew it was important to
talk about tough topics with my children so they could
trust me for correct information, and so I could share my
values with them.
The more we talked, the better we all felt.
The National Mental Health Association asked me to
write this brochure out of concern for the impact anti-gay
prejudice and discrimination have on children — gay and
straight. People have different views about homosexuality,
but most Americans believe that everyone should be
treated fairly and with respect.
Children learn about gays and lesbians at a young age
from television, the playground and their friends. It’s far
better for you and your child to talk about issues like sexual
orientation when your child is young — and before she or
he gets bad information and is exposed to prejudice.
While a recent poll showed that 76 percent of all
American parents are willing to discuss sexual orientation
with their children, nearly as many wanted a guidebook to
help them through this process. Like many parents who
are straight, I wasn’t sure where to start or what kind of
information our kids wanted.
2
We are a society with many kinds of families. Many of
us have neighbors, friends and family members who are
gay. Kids recognize this but may still be confused about
sexual orientation. They will look to you for guidance on
how to act and feel.
In these pages, I share what I’ve learned as both a
parent and a doctor.
The National Mental Health Association (NMHA) has
created a web page (www.nmha.org/whatdoesgaymean)
to provide additional guidance and resources for parents.
As part of the research for this brochure, NMHA spoke
with straight parents across the country about their
experiences talking to their kids about sexual orientation.
Throughout this brochure we’ve included stories and
advice from those interviews.
This brochure doesn’t have all the answers, but I
hope it’s a starting place to open a healthy dialogue with
your child.
—Dr. Lynn Ponton
3
Dr. Lynn Ponton, author,
mother of two, child
psychiatrist and expert in
teen issues.
Parents need to have honest conversations with their
kids about all kinds of tough issues. Talking about
sexual orientation is especially important. Here’s why:
1. Talking about sexual orientation can protect
your child from prejudice. Your child may at some
point be called “gay” or “fag” — even if she or he
isn’t gay. And your child will probably see kids
teased or attacked for supposedly “being gay.”
There are more than two million school-age lesbian
and gay Americans. Many of these children are
subjected to verbal or physical abuse by their peers
and even by their teachers, according to a report
by the highly respected organization Human Rights
Watch. Visit the web site
http://www.hrw.org/reports/2001/uslgbt/ to read
the powerful Human Rights Watch report.
Many heterosexual children also suffer the conse-
quences of anti-gay prejudice. Talking with your
kids from a young age about sexual orientation will
help them to deal with fears, prejudices and misin-
formation they will inevitably be exposed to.
2. Talking about sexual orientation will help you to
pass on the values of respect and understanding
to your child. Like most kids, your children and
teens probably have relatives or family friends who
are gay and they see gay characters on TV. Your
child will have questions about gay people and will
look to you for answers. Your silence on these issues
can be interpreted in ways you don’t intend, so it’s
important to take these opportunities to share your
values with your child.
4
In the suburbs where
we live, the worst insult
you can sling at
another kid is to call
him gay. “He’s so gay,”
kids say. Out of all the
bad things you could
say about someone —
he’s mean, selfish, ill-
tempered, ignorant,
greedy — I can’t
believe that calling
someone gay is the
ultimate cut.
— Marta Miller,
mother of three,
Wyckoff, NJ
why should I read
this brochure?
You don’t have to fully understand or accept homo-
sexuality to promote tolerance. Misinformation, igno-
rance and fear about homosexuality can sometimes
lead to violence and bullying against children per-
ceived as different — regardless of whether or not
they are gay. By speaking with your son or daughter,
you will be teaching important values like respect for
the feelings of other people, regardless of differences.
3. Talking about sexual orientation will make it easi-
er to discuss other tough issues with your child.
Sexual orientation is one of the toughest issues for
parents to discuss with their children. If you can talk
to your kids about it, you’ll be better prepared to talk
about other important yet difficult subjects.
This brochure suggests a few ways to turn awkward
moments into opportunities for you to become clos-
er to your child. Throughout this brochure are
quotes from parents who discuss their experience
talking to their children about gays and lesbians.
5
A nationwide survey of 1,000 parents in
2001 found the following:
■
61% said they would discuss homosexuality
if their children asked questions.
■
56% of parents say that prejudice and
discrimination against gays and lesbians is
morally wrong.
■
67% of parents believe in teaching children
that gay people are just like other people.
Survey of 1,000 parents, Lake Snell Perry and Associates, 2001
Your kids take clues
from the things you do
every day. But other
things you want to
bring up with them
because they won’t
bring them up.
Especially because the
media is a huge
influence on the way
my kids see things. It’s
everywhere. I mean the
TV and the advertising.
And their friends, too.
So when it comes to
sexual orientation, I
want them to know
that my view is that
people are people.
Their sexual orientation
is their business. It
doesn’t have to be a
big deal.
— Anne-Marie O’Dowd
mother of three,
Nonantum, MA
1. Don’t wait for your child to bring up the subject
— seek out “talk opportunities.” Although parents
may agree that talking about sexual orientation with
their kids is important, many don’t want to start with
young children. But if you begin to talk with your child
from an early age — with age-appropriate language
— you’ll teach your child tolerance and respect.
When considering a discussion with younger children,
remember that you don’t need to talk about sex when
you talk about sexual orientation. Only part of being
gay or lesbian is about a sexual relationship. It’s more
important that children understand that an intimate,
loving relationship is sometimes shared between two
men or two women in the same way men and women
who are heterosexual care for one another.
You can use “talk opportunities,” like TV shows,
experiences in your own life, or experiences in your
child’s life to start a discussion. Teens tend to tune
out more formal discussions anyway, often categoriz-
ing them as just another lecture from mom or dad.
Keep an ear out for these “talk opportunities.”
2. Listen. Listening carefully will help you to understand
what your child really wants to know as well as what
he or she already understands. It will keep you from talking above their heads
and confusing them even further.
3. Talk about it again. Most young kids can only absorb small bits of informa-
tion at a time. Let some time pass then ask your child to tell you what he or
she remembers about your conversation. This will help you correct any mis-
conceptions or fill in missing facts.
4. Relax. Don’t worry if you don’t have all the answers. You can always do a bit
of research later (see the Resources section at the end of this brochure). What is
important is how you respond. If you can convey the message that no subject
— including sexual orientation — is forbidden in your home, you’ll do just fine.
6
What I’ve always told
my kids is that some
people choose to be
together in a long-term
relationship — just like
their mom and I chose
to be together. I
discuss it in the context
of a relationship — not
sexuality. I give an
answer that’s
appropriate for an
eleven year-old. I think
you need to keep it
simple and short. Keep
it in a realm that a child
can handle. The
important thing is just
to have a relationship
that’s open with your
child and to be able to
discuss anything.
— Geoff Hill,
father of two,
Bakersfield, CA
tips for your discussion
How to Talk with Preschool-Age
Children (3 to 5 years)
Children aged three to five ask a ton of questions. You should
give them simple and concrete answers. They are looking for
basic information — not complete or graphic explanations.
For example, after seeing two women neighbors holding
their new baby, your three-year-old might ask, “Who is the
mommy and who is the daddy?” You may simply explain that
“Both are mommies,” perhaps adding that two moms are a
family and can make a home for a baby.
Preschoolers not only use words to express themselves, but
they are also beginning to play and pretend. It’s a wonderful time
to use picture books to communicate ideas and feelings.
The early years are a time when children like to pretend
to be the opposite sex, or do things that are mostly asso-
ciated with being a boy or a girl. You might be surprised
when your five-year-old son wants to wear a dress to
school — or that your daughter prefers roughhousing and
playing with trucks.
Dress-up is a normal part of childhood, even when a child
is pretending to be the opposite sex. And playing at things
that normally are done by kids of the opposite sex is perfectly
normal and healthy.
7
I came to this country
thirty years ago from a
small town in Mexico.
Gays and lesbians
were never mentioned.
Homosexuality was top
secret. In the Chicano-
American community,
being gay is still largely
frowned upon… I want
my children to be more
open than my family
has been. That starts
with communication.
Kids learn what parents
teach them.
— Margarita Rodriguez,
mother of two,
grandmother of one,
Redwood City, CA
how to talk with…
How to Talk with School-Age
Children
(6 to 12 years)
Children aged six to 12 see most things in terms
of how they relate to their own lives. If your seven-
year-old asks, “Mommy, my friend Timmy says
our teacher is gay. What does gay mean?” you
might say, “Gay means that Ms. Chambers loves
a woman like I love Daddy.”
It’s also important to understand why your
child wants to know. Maybe someone said the
teacher was gay in a scary or prejudiced way,
and your child is looking for reassurance. Maybe
your child has come up with his or her own ideas
about being gay, and wants to check them out
with you. Again, listening first gives you a good
idea of what your child wants to know and needs to know.
Children aged 11 to 12 can identify with others. They
understand that they can have several feelings about some-
thing at the same time. Their bodies are changing, and many
preteens are thinking about sex, even if they aren’t talking
about it. Sexual curiosity and attraction to other kids of the
same sex is a normal part of development. Just because your
child has these feelings doesn’t mean he or she is gay.
Consider these situations:
■
You might discover your eleven-year-old daughter cry-
ing after school where she and her best friend were
called “lesbos” because they were holding hands.
Listen to what upsets her most. Does she know the
meaning of the names she was called? Does she feel
she should stop holding her friend’s hand? Is she
scared of the other kids? After talking to your daugh-
ter, you may want to follow up with the school coun-
selor or principal to express your concerns.
I talked with my seven
year-old son about how
a family is usually a
mother and a father
and children, but
sometimes people of
the same sex choose
to make a life together.
And they make a
commitment and love
and care for each
other. And he accepted
that and understood it.
— Marta Miller,
mother of three,
Wyckoff, NJ
8
■
You might be called by your child’s school because
your son or daughter is bullying and calling another
child “fag,” “queer,” “sissy,” “tomboy,” or saying “gay”
in a hostile manner. This is an important time to talk
with your child and stress the value of treating every-
one with tolerance and respect.
In general, the questions and the ideas become more
complicated as kids grow older. “How do people who are
gay have children?” “Why do some kids call others fags?”
“Why do some girls act tough and dress like boys?” And,
one that is often scary for parents, “Am I gay?” If your child
is wondering if he or she is gay, it’s important to assure
them that you love them, whatever their sexual orientation.
It’s also important to let them know that they will eventual-
ly answer that question for themselves as they get older
and learn more about their feelings.
Talk openly with your child and be as honest as possible.
You can admit when you’re feeling embarrassed or don’t
know the answers to your child’s questions. If you work
together to find out the answer, you show your child that
curiosity is nothing to be ashamed of.
9
After the Matthew
Shepard tragedy, I said
that I hoped every
minister in town would
go into their church the
next day and tell folks
in their congregations
that it is okay to be gay.
As the Rabbi of the
oldest and largest
reform congregation in
the Akron, Ohio area —
and the father of two
grown children and the
grandfather of a
wonderful nine-year-old
— I realized that I had
a responsibility to make
my community an
environment where the
type of prejudice that
killed Matthew Shepard
is simply not tolerated.
— Rabbi David Horowitz,
father of two,
grandfather of one,
Akron, OH
How to Talk with
Teenagers
(13 to 18 years)
Sexuality and expressing oneself as
a boy or girl are major parts of ado-
lescent lives. In adolescence, your
child’s friendships may become
more intimate and involved. The
opinions and actions of your child’s
peers are also highly valued by your
teen. Most teens want the freedom
to express themselves and want privacy around their
changing bodies and sexual activity. But they also want
their parents to ask them about sex.
As teens begin dating, their sexual orientation often
becomes apparent, as well as the orientation of their class-
mates and friends. This makes adolescence an important
time in your child’s life for you to discuss anti-gay prejudice
and to model healthy behavior. Whatever your own values
and beliefs, it’s important to always discourage harassment
or violence.
Your child or one of his friends may tell you, “I think I’m
gay.” Listening carefully helps teenagers feel safe to talk
with you about their feelings. It took courage for him to
begin this conversation, and it will take courage on your
part to follow up. This can be a confusing and difficult time,
and your child needs to hear again and again that you love
him or her no matter what.
The teenage years can be a lonely time for gays and les-
bians as they begin to deal with their emotions and sexual
feelings. In social settings, like high school, they might feel like
they are the “only ones.” If there is a teen in your life who is
gay, lesbian or questioning their sexual orientation or gender
identity, let them know about three groups, the Gay, Lesbian,
10
We’re a very religious
family heavily involved
in our church groups.
Christianity provides a
platform for me to
discuss difficult things
with my children. It
offers a model for all of
us. If you’re a person
of faith, you have to
exhibit a certain
openness and
temperance… I’ll be
honest that I have
struggled about the
issue of homosexuality
and my faith. First and
foremost, I believe that
my religion teaches me
that everyone deserves
a core level of respect
and consideration.
— Geoff Hill,
father of two,
Bakersfield, CA
Straight Education Network (GLSEN) www.glsen.org,
Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
www.pflag.org, and Human Rights Campaign, www.hrc.org.
The Internet has become an important way for gay
teens to learn and to talk to other young people dealing
with the same hopes and fears. In many cities, there are
meetings for gay and lesbian teenagers. Supervised by an
adult — often a counselor — these meetings provide
opportunities for gay teens to meet each other and talk
openly about their feelings in a safe environment. This can
be a big help in reducing their isolation, which can be harm-
ful to the mental health of gay youth.
11
We never thought to
have a conversation
about sexual identity
with our children when
they were growing up.
In retrospect, the
absence of this type of
communication
probably conveyed the
idea that homosexuality
was taboo.
— Rabbi David Horowitz,
father of two,
grandfather of one,
Akron, OH
What does sexual orientation mean?
What is heterosexuality?
Homosexuality? Lesbian/gay/
bisexuality?
Sexual orientation means if someone is heterosexual,
homosexual or bisexual. A heterosexual person, or some-
one who is “straight,” is attracted to people of the opposite
sex. A homosexual person, or someone who is “gay or les-
bian,” is attracted to people of the same sex. A bisexual
person is attracted to both men and women.
What makes someone gay?
Some people believe gay people are born gay, while oth-
ers believe they choose to be gay. Most researchers believe
sexual orientation is complex, and that biology plays an
important role. This means that many people are born with
their sexual orientation, or that it’s established at an early age.
Can parents make a child gay?
You can’t raise a child to be gay. Nor can parents or
therapists change a young person’s sexual orientation, just
as they can’t change their eye color, race or height.
What about the “cures” for homo-
sexuality I’ve read about?
No research has shown that “reparative therapy” (psy-
chotherapy to eliminate individuals’ sexual desires for their
own sex) or “transformational ministry” (the use of religion
to eliminate those desires) is successful. In fact, every
mainstream mental health and medical organization says
these methods may be harmful. They warn that attempts to
“cure” lesbians and gay men may help change sexual
behavior temporarily but will also create emotional trauma.
12
questions and answers
After my daughter came
out, I began attending
PFLAG for support.
PFLAG stands for
Parents, Families and
Friends of Lesbians and
Gays. Joining PFLAG
was a great, great help.
The group support
made me a lot more
comfortable being open
about having a bisexual
child. At PFLAG I
discovered that this is
not such a big deal. This
is nothing to be
ashamed of. I began to
feel that I could be a
role model for other
people, to protect other
kids from hostile
environments in our
schools and culture. It is
my hope that we as
parents promote
respect for everyone
and try to appreciate
the richness that
diversity offers.
— Susan Davis,
mother of two,
grandmother of one,
Shaker Heights, Ohio
What is the difference between
homosexual people and
transgender people?
Homosexuality (and heterosexuality) refers to a person’s
sexual orientation, or to whom a person feels attracted.
Transgender refers to a person’s gender identity, or how a
person expresses their femininity or masculinity. For people
who are transgender, their gender identity is different from
the sex they were born. This means that someone may be
born a male but feel emotionally like a female or vice versa.
Some transgender people use clothes, hormones and/or
surgery to fully express their gender in the world.
Is homosexuality unhealthy?
All sexual behaviors have health risks, and it’s important for
teens to know this. But being gay does not make someone
unhealthy or unhappy. What is unhealthy is prejudice against
gays and lesbians. This prejudice can be especially damaging
for young gay people who are often harassed and made to
feel ashamed of who they are. In 1973, the American
Psychiatric Association recognized homosexuality as a normal
human behavior, and since then all other major health profes-
sional organizations have supported this fact.
Is homosexuality immoral?
Some religions continue to teach that homosexuality is
immoral, and other spiritual communities and faiths accept
people of all ages who are gay, lesbian and bisexual. No
matter what your religious beliefs, a key value to share with
your child is to treat all people with respect.
13
14
If I think my child is gay, what should
I do?
Parents are likely to have a range of reactions. Some may
hope their child is simply going through a phase, while others
may wonder if they did something wrong. And some worry
that their children will have harder lives because they are gay.
Other parents are supportive and loving of their child’s sexu-
ality. Whatever your reaction, try to provide a supportive, non-
judgmental ear. Consider helping your child get more infor-
mation by talking with other gay teens and contacting your
local PFLAG, GLSEN or gay youth center. Above all else, your
child needs to feel that you will always love him or her no mat-
ter what.
Please visit the web site that accompanies this brochure,
www.nmha.org/whatdoesgaymean, for more information.
National Mental Health Association
2001 N. Beauregard Street, 12th Floor
Alexandria, VA 22311
Telephone: 1-800-969-NMHA (6642)
TTY: 1-800-433-5959
E-mail: infoctr@nmha.org
http://www.nmha.org
The Sex Lives of Teenagers: Revealing the Secret
World of Adolescent Boys and Girls
Ponton, Dr. Lynn
Free to Be You and Me
Thomas, Marlo
Asking About Sex and Growing Up: A Question-and-
Answer Book for Boys and Girls
Cole, Joanna and Alan Tiegreen (Illustrator)
How to Talk to Your Child About Sex
Eyre, Linda and Richard Eyre
It’s So Amazing!: A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth,
Babies, and Families
Harris, Robie H. and Michael Emberley
What’s the Big Secret?: Talking About Sex with Girls
and Boys
Krasny Brown, Laurie (Editor) and Marc Tolon Brown
(Illustrator)
15
resources and
additional reading
continued on page 16
Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk
About Their Experiences
Griffin, Carolyn Welch, Marian J. Wirth, and Arthur G. Wirth
Straight Parents, Gay Children: Inspiring Families to
Live Honestly and With Greater Understanding
Bernstein, Robert A.
My Child Is Gay: How Parents React When They Hear
the News
McDougall, Bryce (Editor)
Coming Out As Parents: You and Your Homosexual
Child
Switzer, David K.
Coming Out to Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide for
Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents
Borhek, Mary V.
Loving Someone Gay
Clark, Donald H.
Now That You Know: A Parents’ Guide to
Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian Children
Fairchild, Betty and Nancy Hayward
Trans Forming Families: Real Stories of
Transgendered Loved Ones
Boenke, Mary (Editor)
16
Mom, I Need To Be a Girl
Evelyn, Just (Editor)
Out of the Ordinary: Essays on Growing Up With Gay,
Lesbian, and Transgender Parents
Howey, Noelle, and Ellen Samuels (Editors)
Love Makes a Family: Portraits of Lesbian, Gay,
Bisexual, and Transgender Parents and Their Families
Gillespie, Peggy (Editor) and Gigi Kaeser (Photographer)
17
The National Mental Health Association thanks
these generous supporters:
The David Bohnett Foundation
Columbia Foundation
R. Gwin Follis Foundation
Evelyn and Walter Haas, Jr. Fund
Horizons Foundation
Stephanie and Carter McClelland
SBC Communications
Tides Foundation
Dr. Lynn Ponton is a leading
figure in child and adolescent
psychiatry who has spent
more than twenty years
working with children and
their parents. A professor at
the University of California at
San Francisco, Dr. Ponton is
also the author of “The
Romance of Risk” and “The
Sex Lives of Teenagers.” She
and her husband have two
teenage daughters.
Also supported by
National Association
of School
Psychologists
